Hardest 11 days of my life so far!

I know i've been missing for a while, I wonder why? like the title states, this has been the HARDEST 11 days of my life! (warning, this post is very repetative!)

Is it ok to admit that this nurturing mother business isn't coming naturally? my mom is really good at it, she just picks up the baby, knows what to do, how to move, how to sway and baby is asleep and comforted. Me on the other hand, am like what am i not doing or what am i doing that doesnt achieve the same results as my mom?

ive come to realize that every day is different and i cant make this baby have a routine. there's no predictability in the matter, and basically the baby, although cannot talk, is
communicating to me, i just need to figure out his language. ugh, why is it so hard!? this is why im not in pediatrics or maternity nursing!

i had my first and not sure last freak out the other day- by freak out i mean first cry. i dont think it's a postpartum depression or blues thing but i was teary eyed because 1) i/we are sleep deprived, 2) i realize i am currently lacking the patience necessary to wait/cope/deal with babies issues and 3) just thinking about "loss" in some aspects of my life like- a thorough SLEEP, consistency, predictability, and being able to always sleep in the same room/bed as my husband and do things i want do on a whim.

the tears lasted all of one day. i just need to be open to possibilities, changes, and accept the fact that sleep deprivation is a rite of passage and EVERY new parent will go through it. perhaps i was foolish to think that ill have a super quiet, easy, low maintenance baby! hahaha! ok i wouldnt say baby is a high needs high maintenance baby, just the essence of change is what im having an issue dealing with.

baby Max is really cute and he makes me melt whenever he smiles (or maybe it's just a reflex? hehe).  but his toothless smiles, elvis smirks, dimples, and just the fact that he's healthy and doing normal baby things that im complaining about  is something im trying to see and feel. i know these times won't last forever, im working on enjoying the challenge and reaping the rewards.