So it has been confirmed that my entire ectopic experience has been an unusual one. from the looks of the ultrasound my fallopian tubes let go/got rid of/randomly or purposefully expelled out my pregnancy. i have this 9x6cm mass in the cul de sac of my uterus actively growing fetal cells even though there is no viable pregnancy. my HCG levels are increasing instead of decreasing, and I'm in and out of BC Bio Med, ultrasounds, and clinics almost on a daily basis. i had the option of having surgery (fast answers, but lots of risks), or methotrexate (slower but body integrity maintained), and i chose the methotrexate. Im usually someone who wants things done fast, sooner than later, done right and right the first time etc (like a true Virgo), but now as a patient who's trying to take my nursing hat off, making decisions are harder than i thought and I'm constantly Dr. Googling pros, cons, evidenced and anecdotal based results. I've read some literature that sometimes surgery doesn't 100% work, and methotrexate still needs to be given- I would totally rather have drugs before surgery, than surgery then drugs (in a not so close comparison, would you rather get the flu then have surgery or have surgery and then catch the flu during your recovery period?). if it turns out that Methotrexate doesn't work, then my only option is surgery...and i feel comfortable knowing that i've exhausted my options and the decision has been made for me.
so today is day 1 of my intramuscular methotrexate injection. neither the serum or the needle hurt thank goodness! I'm feeling a little tired and a little nauseated, we'll see what the next few days hold. Im aiming to curb the symptoms with some psychosomatic pep talks...aka I think I'm invincible unless otherwise (good luck with that!). i lucked out with a lovely ER nurse who's been nursing more than i've been alive. during this hospital experience, I've also discovered that the staff knowing you're a nurse is a mix of 50 disadvantage 50 advantange. Maybe it's just my interpretation of the situation? The worst experiences I've had is when it feels like you're left to fend for yourself because you know what to do, how it works, what to ask when to ask, which when full of vitality i absolutely can and happily will, but when you're unwell and feeling vulnerable i can barely advocate for myself and here is when i need my nurse because I'm a patient. i hate that substandard nursing care exists especially outside of external factors such as increased acuity of the unit, poor staffing and poor skill mix. on the other side, i've also experienced nurses that have worked with me as a patient, kept me informed with matter of fact information (whether invited or not), gave me bloodwork results and discussed them with me, and totally treated me like part of the team...awesome nursing care, and I'm inspired.
More updates to come as they happen.
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Friday, August 22, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Loss Update and Playland
Thanks to all family, friends and strangers online and real life for the warm messages i've received. I love reading about your own personal stories about loss, feelings, and life thereafter. Through your messages, i felt well supported and loved. Through my blog post, I'm glad i was able to be a voice so women are not left to endure this difficult time in silence. Hugs to all of you!
As for me, emotionally i've been status quo. my quietest moments are just before Max wakes up in the morning and i used those times earlier in the week to reflect (pinterest really helped with quotes and linking to other experiences!). I also watched a tagalog chick flick and the sum of it all was a good cathartic cry; about decisions made, guilt, what ifs, and what could have been. During the day, I found great joy in being with Max and watching him play and have fun. Even though i lost one, i still have a healthy, happy, loving ONE that holistically gives me more than I could ever ask for. I am so thankful for him! Physically i had a great week with only light bleeding (I'm prepared to have a whopper period when the time comes). My HCG levels have gone from 1500 to 1100 to now 800 mIU/ml. My set back was yesterday, I was hospitalized (via 911) for excruciating pelvic pain and sacral pressure beyond tolerability. I gave birth naturally sans drugs and my body has a high pain tolerance level... i couldn't cope with yesterday's intense pain, i wanted and needed drugs! even though the results of yesterday's workup was inconclusive, the doctor gave me his personal cell phone number to contact him if i felt worse because he "just couldn't figure out what was wrong" and "thought about my case a lot because [he] was worried." Ive also been referred to some BC Women's Hospital program, thank you Canada for cultivating such fantastic physicians and for having accessible health care!
(update: the pain was from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy!)
On a lighter note, here are some pics of Max and I's date the day after my miscarriage. Just Max and I (he's finally tall enough!), no line ups, perfect weather, laughs, junk food, and fun. Just so thankful!
As for me, emotionally i've been status quo. my quietest moments are just before Max wakes up in the morning and i used those times earlier in the week to reflect (pinterest really helped with quotes and linking to other experiences!). I also watched a tagalog chick flick and the sum of it all was a good cathartic cry; about decisions made, guilt, what ifs, and what could have been. During the day, I found great joy in being with Max and watching him play and have fun. Even though i lost one, i still have a healthy, happy, loving ONE that holistically gives me more than I could ever ask for. I am so thankful for him! Physically i had a great week with only light bleeding (I'm prepared to have a whopper period when the time comes). My HCG levels have gone from 1500 to 1100 to now 800 mIU/ml. My set back was yesterday, I was hospitalized (via 911) for excruciating pelvic pain and sacral pressure beyond tolerability. I gave birth naturally sans drugs and my body has a high pain tolerance level... i couldn't cope with yesterday's intense pain, i wanted and needed drugs! even though the results of yesterday's workup was inconclusive, the doctor gave me his personal cell phone number to contact him if i felt worse because he "just couldn't figure out what was wrong" and "thought about my case a lot because [he] was worried." Ive also been referred to some BC Women's Hospital program, thank you Canada for cultivating such fantastic physicians and for having accessible health care!
(update: the pain was from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy!)
On a lighter note, here are some pics of Max and I's date the day after my miscarriage. Just Max and I (he's finally tall enough!), no line ups, perfect weather, laughs, junk food, and fun. Just so thankful!
^^ i just love it when it's not extremely busy! ^^
^^ the only thing Max was scared of this day was the blue pipe they used to measure height ^^
^^ natural sailor!! ^^
^^ it's so true that as you get older, the less one is able to tolerate rides. just looking at this ride already gave me motion sickness! in fact, even a simple playground swing makes me nauseated lol when i was younger, i remember going on any and all rides without any after effects. ^^
^^ he said this ride was "too rough" ^^
^^ his most favourite ride ever! as you can see we went on all the colours and didn't even have to get off. did i mention how much i love play land because there were no line ups? sweet! ^^
It's August 18th! where does the time go?!
Hope you're having a great summer.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Loss (some TMI)
On July 25th I found out i was pregnant with a dollar store pregnancy test. i was in disbelief at first because heck, it was a dollar store test, but a good friend of mine assured me that if this cheapie could detect hormones, then we were in good standing. within a few days, i connected with my old midwives (who now have their own new practice) and funny enough, we already had boy and girl names for the little one.
As part of routine testing, i had a pap done on August 7th. i was at first hesitant about it, but Dr. Google and science assured me it was ok. On august 8, I spotted...as expected. On August 9, i went to work...busy frickin day...i was still bleeding. i texted my midwife and i was told as long as i wasn't soaking a liner, bleeding was normal. On August 10th, expecting for it all to be over, i woke up to the same amount of frank blood in my liner. no more, no less, but more frank. most people would stay home if they were feeling unwell, in fact Gene got a little pissed off that i wasn't taking a day off...but HELLO, i work at a hospital. of all places to be when you feel unwell, this is where to be right?! so just as I arrived on shift, i took a void, mother f'in frank blood in the toilet. i had kept this pregnancy a secret, but had to reveal all to my charge nurse as i couldn't hide my about-to-burst-into-tears demeanor.
within 14 minutes of arriving into ER, i saw the doctor. ultrasound (no eye contact), bloodwork (i know you..."), vitals, pelvic exam (i saw more blood than I was anticipating. your Os is slightly opened...), another ultrasound (serious look, no eye contact) then a transvaginal ultrasound (i'm a nurse, let me see. "ok, i don't see a gestational sac." ok...). all to reveal what i already knew, i had lost the baby.
Gene came to the hospital unexpectedly (but expectedly...in fact my first words to him was, "how did you find me?" lol) and he was emotional, naturally. I on the other hand was flat, calculating what could be happening, talking medical jargon with the staff, ensuring my private room in ER was in order...totally me and how i handle things for those that know me well. i may have a lot of qualms about my husband, but when i really need him and i'm too cold and feeling to nurse-y and scientific, he is the one that'll bring me back down to earth. i kinda joked with my coworker how it is so 'asian' to be stoic, and we agreed that in a marriage that truly works, balance must be involved.
i didn't cry until about 5 hours into my admission, as i got my discharge paperwork handed to me by my amazing doctor who was not only hot, but had an amazing bedside manner. i walked from work to the sky train alone because i wanted some private air, and Gene met me for some emotional eating on the Drive sans Max (thank you mom and dad for watching him!). During my ER admit, they asked me if i had passed some tissue, i was like WTF are you talking about? what does 'tissue' look like? sounds so surreal and disgusting. well after our lunch, i got up and out of the car, and felt a gush. I ran to have a shower and there was the tissue. there is no mistaking what 'tissue' is.
i didn't know what to do with it, so i flushed it down the toilet. i read that some women try to catch this tissue with a colander, GAG. i felt bad for flushing it down without inspecting it, but even as a nurse, i'm not THAT curious with my own aborted bits.
goodbye baby...
as i type this, I'm having cramps on my pelvic floor. i think this is what labor felt like for me. it's not comfortable but it's bearable without drugs. Im teary eyed every now and then, but mainly numb. I'm trying to be gentle with myself but everything was fine prior to that mother f'in pap smear. EVERYTHING WAS FINE. pap's don't cause miscarriages. in fact, what if i didn't get one and they all of a sudden discovered cancer while i was in latter stages of pregnancy? way out into left field, but that would blow big time! but man alive, i'm traumatized and i will never get another pap during pregnancy ever again. i can't help feel guilty, and it's only me that is blaming myself. it's eating me up that all this was somehow controllable! ugh!
i hate what's going on right now. the bleeding days to come and the the period(s) in the next months are supposed to be a doozy too. miscarriage sucks. not only do you have to deal with the emotional part, but the physical issues on the road to full evacuation, and then back to (a new) normalcy is so consuming.
sigh
As part of routine testing, i had a pap done on August 7th. i was at first hesitant about it, but Dr. Google and science assured me it was ok. On august 8, I spotted...as expected. On August 9, i went to work...busy frickin day...i was still bleeding. i texted my midwife and i was told as long as i wasn't soaking a liner, bleeding was normal. On August 10th, expecting for it all to be over, i woke up to the same amount of frank blood in my liner. no more, no less, but more frank. most people would stay home if they were feeling unwell, in fact Gene got a little pissed off that i wasn't taking a day off...but HELLO, i work at a hospital. of all places to be when you feel unwell, this is where to be right?! so just as I arrived on shift, i took a void, mother f'in frank blood in the toilet. i had kept this pregnancy a secret, but had to reveal all to my charge nurse as i couldn't hide my about-to-burst-into-tears demeanor.
within 14 minutes of arriving into ER, i saw the doctor. ultrasound (no eye contact), bloodwork (i know you..."), vitals, pelvic exam (i saw more blood than I was anticipating. your Os is slightly opened...), another ultrasound (serious look, no eye contact) then a transvaginal ultrasound (i'm a nurse, let me see. "ok, i don't see a gestational sac." ok...). all to reveal what i already knew, i had lost the baby.
Gene came to the hospital unexpectedly (but expectedly...in fact my first words to him was, "how did you find me?" lol) and he was emotional, naturally. I on the other hand was flat, calculating what could be happening, talking medical jargon with the staff, ensuring my private room in ER was in order...totally me and how i handle things for those that know me well. i may have a lot of qualms about my husband, but when i really need him and i'm too cold and feeling to nurse-y and scientific, he is the one that'll bring me back down to earth. i kinda joked with my coworker how it is so 'asian' to be stoic, and we agreed that in a marriage that truly works, balance must be involved.
i didn't cry until about 5 hours into my admission, as i got my discharge paperwork handed to me by my amazing doctor who was not only hot, but had an amazing bedside manner. i walked from work to the sky train alone because i wanted some private air, and Gene met me for some emotional eating on the Drive sans Max (thank you mom and dad for watching him!). During my ER admit, they asked me if i had passed some tissue, i was like WTF are you talking about? what does 'tissue' look like? sounds so surreal and disgusting. well after our lunch, i got up and out of the car, and felt a gush. I ran to have a shower and there was the tissue. there is no mistaking what 'tissue' is.
i didn't know what to do with it, so i flushed it down the toilet. i read that some women try to catch this tissue with a colander, GAG. i felt bad for flushing it down without inspecting it, but even as a nurse, i'm not THAT curious with my own aborted bits.
goodbye baby...
as i type this, I'm having cramps on my pelvic floor. i think this is what labor felt like for me. it's not comfortable but it's bearable without drugs. Im teary eyed every now and then, but mainly numb. I'm trying to be gentle with myself but everything was fine prior to that mother f'in pap smear. EVERYTHING WAS FINE. pap's don't cause miscarriages. in fact, what if i didn't get one and they all of a sudden discovered cancer while i was in latter stages of pregnancy? way out into left field, but that would blow big time! but man alive, i'm traumatized and i will never get another pap during pregnancy ever again. i can't help feel guilty, and it's only me that is blaming myself. it's eating me up that all this was somehow controllable! ugh!
i hate what's going on right now. the bleeding days to come and the the period(s) in the next months are supposed to be a doozy too. miscarriage sucks. not only do you have to deal with the emotional part, but the physical issues on the road to full evacuation, and then back to (a new) normalcy is so consuming.
sigh
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