Right and Wrong. Wakeup Parent!

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We've been taking Max to Strong Start oh for about 2 months now and yes, for the majority of the time he is there things are well, he is thriving, and having a lot of f-u-n! When Gene tells me how their school days go, there are always stories that include unruly kids who are CRAZY  need a time out and it makes me laugh. However, more often than not Gene tells me about kids who have picked on Max and this just makes me want to blow a gasket!

Ok, so kids will be kids and kids of the 0-5 age don't always know any better. I never hold it against the child per say, but i honestly feel a surge of heat and visualize an act of verbal assaults (directed at the parent) when i see/hear the parents are either absent (too busy gossiping with other parents), just let things go without telling the kid what they're doing is right or wrong and thus not correct them, or just present physically but too busy on their mobiles to even know WTF is happening. 

• mom is too busy chatting with her people and thus too busy to notice that her crazy son is terrorizing other kids (kicking toys, tackling other kids, running around like a mad person and creating hazards for the already over populated room)
• the one f'n toy that Max is playing with, a kid rips it out of his hand and takes off (mom does nothing) - this happens one too many times 
• Max (13 months) is in the way of a kid (over 2 y/o) who wants to pass him, so the kid slaps Max on the chest or pushes him out of the way
• Max is playing and having fun walking around, so a kid gets a pillow and shoves him "gently" to the ground

My blood is boiling. Max is one of the smaller and younger kids in the group, he is definitely vulnerable. What does Gene do when he sees these things? Fortunately, he's more in a state of calmness and will talk gently to the kid (or at least this is the story I get). When I see these things, I also say something in the realms of "be careful, he's a baby" or "Dont ________," sometimes the parent/guardian is present and right then and there we 2 adults 2 kids talk and settle. Again, other times....ARGH, i just end up giving the mom the evil eye as they're doing NOTHING. I cant believe the makings of a bully (and even the presence of bullies) start at these tender ages! 

What should I do with these parents when they're not to be found? Im really inclined to say something snarky and condescending when i see trends in behavior and lack of parenting follow up. There really isnt a relationship with these women that i would be sorry to lose, but the peace keeper that i am i just dont want to start stuff up! I just want to protect my child, prevent my son from learning/adopting such behavior, and prevent these kids from becoming news headlines in the future!

When I See Parents Not Paying Attention To Their Misbehaving Kid(s)

A Tale of Woe from the Sleep Deprived

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How can I blog about sleep without making it sounds like a pity party for myself? haha

Anyhow, prior to having the baby (and yes, even during pregnancy), what honestly separated me from sleep were my 3 pillows. I love sleep, I love sleeping. I love the thought of bedtime coming up around the corner, and I especially anticipated that feeling of no longer being able to keep my eyes open and just drifting off. I knew my body well enough to not overstimulate myself, not drink caffeine too late, and not take any naps during the day just so I can have that amazing, clearly passed out, deep uninterrupted sleep at night time.

Then came baby...

"sleep when baby sleeps"

I have never been so sleep deprived in my entire life! My eyes are heavy though im alert, i'm definitely not as sharp as i used to be, it takes me awhile to process things and critically think, and i have a short fuse. yep...watch out!

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The first week when Max came home, I slept in the living room as I just wanted to be near my baby resources (ie change table, kitchen, bathroom). Some level of paranoia existed at the time and he slept in the bassinette next to the couch, which was unfortunately lower than the height of the bassinette so I kept getting up just to see if he was ok and breathing! On top of that, I of course had to discover the art of breastfeeding- and at that stage, it was an endless marathon of getting up every 1-3 hours non-stop every night and day.  I was the food source. When people told me "sleep when baby sleeps" i was getting pissed off because when I did take the opportunity to, the baby would get fussy and then i would be woken up within minutes of lying down or not so long after the last feeding the baby with the infamously annoying phrase said by many to moms, "I think he's hungry," or "I think he needs to feed, soothe him."  How is one supposed to get any rest?!?

To boot, i'm convinced that with motherhood comes bionic ears! I swear I hear every whimper, cry, mumble, thrash, squeal, even if we're separated by square footage measuring in the hundreds! LOL!

As Max got a little older (i mean in weeks and days) I noticed that he was such a NOISY sleeper. Funny how i went into labor at 4am, and Max is a 4am thrasher! It's almost like clockwork when he would wake up, thrash, make the loudest noises, totally restless, and of course this stage also takes the longest time to settle back into his sleep phase. Some nights are terrible, some nights are great- I couldn't and still can't find a pattern into what would lead to the ideal fork in the road! so currently, I just deal with it and research endlessly on the internet for a hint of what to do or maybe even just a comment from another reader with their insight.

My current care plan which has been somewhat of a routine for a few weeks:

• keep him awake and understimulated from 8pm. No more naps after 7 would be great  but he can get fussy so this gets bumped +/- 30 minutes
• I try to feed him and essentially top him up as much as i can from 8pm-10pm (maybe even every hour, some times he takes it, sometimes he doesnt) so his stomach will be full and thus, in theory, will result in a longer sleep time range
• if it's bath day, we bathe at 9pm (earlier if he's extra aggitated) as this calms him down. otherwise, it's sponge bath time
• change into sleepwear around 9:30ish
• wait for post feed digestion and burp
• cuddle/rock/swing/hum- whatever is on call for the night to get him in that drowsy stage
• once he's kind of limp and breathing more regular and less heavy, he gets popped into the bassinette and i quickly also go to bed as this first downtime is usually his longest and most deepest time (i approximate this time to be between 930 and 1030pm)

Mind you again, some days this works...some days it doesnt. the worst night took us 3 hours to settle him. I dont know WTF was up with that day but i would attribute it to me not having any idea as to what to do and most likely i didnt have a plan. I really hate those times when just when you put him down after a soothing session of greater than 30 minutes, he startles and is WIDE AWAKE again ready to party! Painful I tell you, especially at 3-4-5am!

he just needs to smile and I forget about all the frustrations i was feeling

Last night I discovered some new ideas on this whole sleeping process. 

1. Firstly, the MORO REFLEX - this is the dreaded startle reflex (UGH!), but one way to bypass this is to put baby's bum down first. my imbalanced way of putting baby down head reclining more so than the bottom (although albeit probably not intentional) triggers this.  I was really conscious about this last night and lo and behold this reflex was minimized last night!  
2. Secondly, SWADDLE the frickin child! I dont know why I was so abyss to swaddling. i clearly remember doing this once and it worked, but i think he rejected it the second night so i gave up on it. 5 weeks later (as in last night), i swaddled him again with the Halo Sleepsack and it was SUCH A GOOD NIGHT for him. The night was kind of sheity for me as i was so shocked at his peacefulness that i was waking up and watching him just to check if he was still breathing! Anyhow, i went to toysrus today and bought a bigger sized HALO SLEEP SWADDLER as he has maybe a week or so to go before he outgrew the newborn swaddler Janine gave me 6 weeks ago! I hope it's another goodnight tonite.
3. Finally, the 5 S's from Dr. Karp that will trigger than calming reflex : swaddling, side/stomach positioning in the parents' arms, shushing, swinging, and sucking. I youtubed this and tried the side positioning and shushing and it worked! OMG! im going to try this more just so to prove to myself that it wasn't a fluke haha. however, i'm not even going to think or wish that baby will start crying just so I can test this out! (medscape article on 5 S's)

25 Rules for Mothers of Sons

Lovely post from a blogger entitled 25 Rules for Mother's of Sons.  It's a spinoff from the "rules for dad's with daughters" list. So, so sweet!

"no man is an island"

1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment.  He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement.  Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference.  Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion.  Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.

2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games.  There is no doubt that he will tell you to "stop, mom" when you sing along to his garage band's lyrics.  There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts.  There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you've been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade.  He will tell you to stop.  He will say he's embarrassed.  But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.

3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt.  He may not always choose to do it.  He may not ever have to do it.  But someday his wife will thank you.

4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their parents."  Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books.  Let him see you reading...reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles.  Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever.  Writers are the transcribers of history and memories.  They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important.  And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories

5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals.  No matter where you go, no matter who you meet - they have some form of the three.  It doesn't have to be good.  Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it's perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.

6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).


7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).


8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things.  If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this:  If you have done any of the following:  a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero.  do not doubt yourself for one second.  Seriously.

9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice.  and it will make the world a little better of a place.

10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there.  Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.

11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people's feelings.

12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes.  You'll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don't waste your energy being angry about something inevitable.  Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes.  Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.

13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song.  Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.

14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away.  Just go outside and follow him around.  Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions.  It's like magic.

15. Let him lose
Losing sucks.  Everybody isn't always a winner.  Even if you want to say, "You're a winner because you tried," don't.  He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed.  And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids.  This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again.....)  Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win - sometimes you lose.  But that doesn't mean you ever give up.

16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help.  Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities.  Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together. 

17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn't just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life.  You become a better writer by writing.  You become a better listener by listening.  You become better speaker by speaking.  Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks - they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing.  Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip.  Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier.  Practice, practice, practice.

18. Answer him when he asks, "Why?"
Answer him, or search for the answer together.  Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches).  Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself.  Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask you - he'll know where to go to find the right answers.

19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.

20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
...without interrupting about how to do it the 'right way.'  If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything.  You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers.  And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom,  you will stay connected to what is happening in his life.  Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.

21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog.  Give him something to go crazy with - or he will use your stuff.  and then you'll be sorry.

22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic.  Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders.  For the rest of his life, he'll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.

23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.

24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet.  They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day.  But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender.  So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what happens in between that made you lose that?'  Let's try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're wild.  Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're 16 years old.  You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets - and make sure he knows it.   p.s. (this one is just as important for dad's too).

25. Be home base
You are home to him.  When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back.  When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile.  When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you're the only one who will listen that many times.  When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands.  When he is sick, he will call you.  When he really messes up, he will call you.  When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious.  Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun.  Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.