Before I Became A Mom

Before I became a mom, I wanted an elective c-section

The roots of my vaginal birth aversion came from a nursing school experience. Essentially, I watched a mom during her last minutes of labor and then through delivery of a healthy baby. Basically I had my eyes peeled to her vag from pulsating --> to ring of fire --> to baby out. To other's it was a beautiful moment, to a 20 year old female student with children nowhere in the near forecast, everything about the experience was ghastly. The only thing that turned the tide was discovering I was pregnant, and clarity set in.

Before I became a mom, I was set on exercising every day throughout my pregnancy, eating right, and gaining only the minimum amount of weight (25lbs)

Well I walked a lot. I tried swimming for a couple of weeks and eventually went shopping instead to fulfill my daily cardio requirements. I ate like I always ate, except that Coke tasted ever.so.good that I even bought a case or two or three for the first time in my life. I have to admit that that was officially my pregnancy craving, as today I would drink it more so for the fact that it feels good going down my throat than me loving how it tastes.  I gained 40ish pounds in the end.

Before I became a mom, I thought breastfeeding was easy; like stick the mouth to your nipple easy.

Breastfeeding was initially a struggle because I didn't really understand the concept of feed baby + brain = body makes milk accordingly. I definitely had struggles with engorgement (those "breast rocks" were more uncomfortable than my vag stitches), deciding whether to continue to pump or just exclusively breastfeed (for number 2, im going to do BOTH!), dry cracked nipples that hurt like a biatch with each latch (I LOVE YOU, lanolin), fears of 'nipple confusion' from too much googling. Who knew breastfeeding can go sideways in so many ways?! Max breastfed until 18 months when he decided he wanted to stop, im still kinda bummed about it but also happy that I went that far.

Before I became a mom, I thought my kid would have a short sleep adjustment period but eventually take after me and sleep like a pro ...never even heard of 'sleep training' issues.

I dont know how many times i've written or mentioned sleep on this blog but Max is no pro. At 21 months he still wakes up once a night and we still move in and sleep with him. For naps, he's good with sleeping about 2 hours on average with a soother that pops in and out. Ah well, i've taken this as a no big deal thing now because im totally used to the lack of thorough, uninterrupted sleep and actually enjoy co-sleeping with him. i am wondering though if we have another child how i'm going to repeat this or would I (??) to begin with because what would be the other kid's room has no space for the ever-so-convenient twin bed that allowed for the many interventions to get Max to sleep. hmmm...

Before I became a mom, I thought i'd be a minimalist and have a couple of toys, a few clothes, and the bare minimum in baby gear.

Well we definitely aren't minimalist as we've enjoyed the convenience of 'stuff' that has made first time parenting just a little easier (seriously, is a diaper genie really essential? no. but we have one anyways). Kid's clothes are SO CUTE. I love buying them, but I don't go nuts or spend too much as I have insight on how fast these kids grow. Plus, you get so many clothes as gifts  that you don't even need to buy at times...we've been blessed! As for toys, i'm thankful for the toys Max has been gifted, and also thankful for craigslist.

Before I became a mom, I thought I could hand my kid off to a baby sitter or my parents so I can do things for myself (ie. go to a concert), guilt free.

Aside from work, the longest i've been away from Max to do something for myself was 2-3 hours. I think we were going to a concert? or a dinner with friends? as evidenced by my poor memory, this was a LONG TIME AGO. I do remember looking at my phone of pictures of Max and telling Gene that I missed my baby. I think I even kind of rushed exiting the whole event so I can get back to Max. Today, I still kind of feel this way. if i did need to do something for myself, i have no qualms with leaving Max with Gene...but I dont really like giving him away to my parents so I can do extra curricular activities. he's never slept over at anyone else's house without us, he's either always with both of us or one of us (if i'm working on the weekend though, Gene get's his little break by letting my parents have him for 2-3 hours, but I think he misses him too as it never overlaps into Max's nap time).

Before I became a mom, I thought I had all the time in the world to do what i wanted to do , the kid will just adapt.

Today, activities are scheduled with and or around meal times, nap times, poo times, and bed time in mind. I can still do activities I like to do, but if I can help it, i prefer to stay within our +/- 30-45 minute established schedule for Max's well being. kids thrive off of structure and some predictability right? his quality of life is paramount, and directly affects my quality of life too. he sleeps well, i sleep well..YES!! win-win!!

Before I became a mom, I thought my kid would just go with the flow.

I wanted to get a haircut and I asked my sister to just push Max in the stroller around the mall for 20 minutes or so (he was sleeping anyways). From the second (I mean this literally) I departed, I was told Max woke up and screamed and cried the entire time I was getting a haircut. I could hear a baby cry from the hair dresser's seat and I would see my sister's reflection in the mirror- pacing nervously in front of the entrance checking if I was done the entire time. I think she's still traumatized, hahaha!

Before I became a mom, I thought I was pretty happy.

Then I had my baby. And despite the crying, the sleep deprivation, the tantrums, the unpredictability, the job that is never-ending/24-7/365 days a year, motherhood has brought a whole new meaning to life- it's just so much more meaningful. i've said this so.many.times on this blog, motherhood is the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, but it is also the most fulfilling, rewarding, my greatest accomplishment.

End of My Breastfeeding Journey

On July 15th Max officially took his last breastfeed. Our journey has ended and i'm not really sure what to make of it!

^^ i only have 1 breastfeeding picture, one tangible evidence (besides a healthy child) that breastfeeding occurred! This obviously isn't it as i'd like to keep it private, but here he's nuzzled against my bosom, close enough! ;op ^^

I have to say that i was much more prepared this time around than when it happened at this time. i dont even feel all too sad about it, more like acceptance and that we entered a new era in our relationship. As the end drew near, his minutes on the breast were less than 4 minutes (if even that) and there were even times when i felt like i was forcing him to breastfeed. it really stopped feeling like a beautiful moment when your kid is angry that you're shoving something in his face! Read some of our breastfeeding moments here, here, and here.

it's kind of strange that it happened during my vacation when i actually had consistency in his routine vs. my work schedule where he would go without for 48 hours.  ah, it was time. Im glad that he decided vs. my deciding it was time to stop. honestly, my goal was to do it for as long as he wanted it, but i saw the stop age in years (2? 3? 4?) instead of in months time. one thing that surprised me was that my body adjusted without incident. Even now, 10 days after our journey ended, and with a return-to-work schedule that i thought would trigger a return of wanting to feed, my body is just as normal as ever. No breastROCKS, no leaking, no pain, some tingling that occured once, but really- back to pre-baby breasts (though i do have a hard time remembering what those were like) and normal bras. thanks Max for weaning me off slowly:  physically..mentally...and emotionally! 

our bed time replacement has been filled with tantrums. 18 months - an early start to the 'terrible two's' i suppose. My theory is that he is just advanced and therefore will be a brilliant child hehe. But aside from the lack of love of bed time routine, we've had more time to just quietly cuddle and do our rocking/slow dancing to woo to sleep. If i can no longer snuggle him in a breastfeeding position, the alternative is now me holding him, his chin/cheek to my shoulder and just slow dancing on the spot. can you picture it? despite us sweating secondary to the heat, it's pretty sweet, tender, and quiet- the perfect recipe for bedtime. though i do miss those sounds of gulping, the feeling of slow suckles, and heck even the choking from my high flow supply, both of us now have new normals and more opportunities to show each other our love. 

 January 19, 2012 - July 15, 2013 xoxo

MAXI is 18 months old!

I had an eye opening experience to Max's growth rate the other day when i asked my friend how old her baby was, 6 month's! We're starting solids, she exclaimed. In my head I was seriously like wasn't your baby just born a couple months ago? Much to my surprise, the little girl- born the same month as Max but in 2013, was truly 6 months and Max in turn is 18 months old! 

I dont know about you, but this realization truly opened my eyes to the changes that have literally taken place before my eyes since i last checked in (or is it checked out of the every day familiarities) and objectively looked at my child that is not only growing mentally, intellectually, emotionally, but also physically. Today, I saw Max standing beside the diaper genie and he's half a head taller than that thing- last time I paid attention to this, he was the same height as the genie! To boot, Max wanted to jump in his crib so i put him down and the rail is chest height to him...again, last time i paid attention, the rail was chin height! Please stop growing so fast! ;o)

Q + A with Maxwell at 18 months old:

What is your hair and eye colour? light brown hair and hazel eyes

What size of clothing do you wear? at the lower end of 18-24 month sizing in pants and shirts (maybe even 16 months to be more specific). In shoe size 6.5-7. I think I am about 31" tall and 24lbs. #4 Pampers Baby Dry (the #4 Cruisers are too big)

What foods do you like to eat? grapes, mandarin oranges, watermelon, raspberries. water and milk. Goldfish, mum mum's, toast, rice. asparagus. french fries. mac and cheese. (these are the foods mamma doesn't have to hide in the food)

What books do you like to read right now? this, this, and this

What are your favorite toys? any ball and my Step2 Car. i love my pacifiers (much to the disapproval of my parents!)

How many teeth do you have? 12! still missing 4 canines and 4 back molars

Do you still breastfeed? stopped breastfeeding on July 15 (this was a sad day for mamma- he literally pushed me away and shook his head no. prior to this though he was nibbling at bedtime routine for about 2-3 minutes at most)

How many words can you say? mamma has no idea how many words i can say because it's a 'healthy amount.' i can imitate most words adults say, i can understand english and tagalog words and commands. i usually talk a lot unless im asked to talk in front of people i dont know then im shy!

What time do you sleep and wake up? bed time routine starts at 830pm, down in bed at 9pm. wakes up in the middle of night - mom or dad co sleeps - and we wake up sometime between 730-9am. I nap usually around 2-4pm, and cosleep during this time. if we're out, i need to be woo'd to sleep on the carrier.

What do you do for fun? during the summer, we go to the swimming pool at least 4x a week. we also go to the playground every single day (seriously)!  i love the swings, not a fan of the slide, i like playing with sand if there's a water fountain attached to the pit, and i go up and down large flights of stairs at least 10 times a day!

Biggest change according to mom? within a span of 1-3 days, Max all of a sudden is not loving bath and bedtime routine. Prior to last week, we'd have a 10 minute bath, get in our bed time clothes, sing lullabies, get rid of pacifier easily, hug/dance/rock and in bed within 30 minutes. Now, with the mention of bath time he is instantly crying, he goes into the tub crying and out within 1-2 minutes. Not so happy getting dressed for bed, refusing the breast, not wanting to be cradled like he used to be during lullabies, death grip on the soother and needs it to be literally ripped out of his hands, and hug/dance/rock for at least 10 minutes. hmmm...not sure why the change. No, he's not teething :op

Precious!

^^ Max and I being silly with the frog effects! ^^

all in all, im feeling pretty sentimental about all this as Max will soon be turning 2. when people ask how old your kid is, you're not like - or at least im not going to be like he's 29 months! He's 2! and then 3! Then 4! Then school..and then the little boy becomes a little man! maybe it's time for another one? hahaha! looking forward to what's in store for us next!

Life Lately

ive been doing a lot of facepalms this week as i've finally come to realize that shift swaps are really NOT my cup of tea. A month or so ago, i was all gung ho about trialling some weeks with no night shifts and in place just screw around with my schedule (and hence days off) by just doing day shifts. i unfortunately don't have a perfect shift swap partner and instead of having 4 straight day shifts, i end up with an exhausting work sequence that looked something like 2 days 1 off 2 days 2 off etc. it was a good idea then, now, i see night shifts are worth it...um too bad for me though as i've already made some more swaps in the months to come. Facepalm!

"mama, don't work so much!" - i think that's what he's thinking!

When it comes to my day shifts, i only get to see Max for 30 minutes before he goes to bed. it really really SUCKS. Today, on my first actual day off ive already noticed some changes in him that weren't there the last time i had a true day off and was in parenting mode physically and mentally. Damn, these kids grow up so frickin fast! Teeth #7, 8, 9, and 10 have all cut through and growing. Last time i noticed they were just white tips on the gums! Secondly, he doesnt breastfeed first thing in the morning anymore...what the WHAT?! Ok, last time i was with him, he just had a snack size feed, now it's a full on rejection.

He loves this car from his tita (auntie) Vivian and Jon. It was actually from Jon's grandma and Jon played with it when he was a kid, and they passed it on to Max when he was a newborn. At 15 months, he's looking for it in his toy bin, getting on the ground and wheels/pushes it around on all fours. Sometimes he has to take it into bed with him and if i try to take it away from him, he cries, so he falls asleep with it in his hand and then i inch it away. Super cute! Along the same vein of self-entertainment, he's also getting the feel of how hard this toy is by hitting himself on the head with it. See below

this is a new thing for him; showing me where it hurts. When he stumbles, he has recently put his palm where he doesnt feel good, pouts or cries, and comes to me for comfort. So far i've noticed that he puts his hand against his head, against his cheek, and shows me his hand if that is affected part. I seriously melt and want to eat him up when he does this. i'm teaching him the english word 'owie' and the tagalog word "aray" for when he's hurt.

Max is able to wave bye-bye or hello, but it's still hit or miss as to when and whom he'll share this skill. However, Gene taught him how to 'high five' and he does this all the time on command now regardless of how he feels about the person (or so i've noticed). I love how friendly he is!

Max + Moe = Love

Lastly, he loves our cat Moe. Sure he tries to sit on him, straddles over him, sometimes steps on him, pulls his tail, flicks his ear, pokes his nose or eye, chases after him, drops his weight beside him to scare him...but all in all he is IN LOVE with Moe. In fact, i think he even says 'Moe Moe" more often than 'mama!' Much to our luck, we found a stray cat that is absolutely great with children. Moe hasnt swatted him, growled, or hissed at him...sometimes i think he's even entertaining Max's antics! Ah brotherly love.

Spring Changes!

Ah toddlerhood!

 Honestly, though i have said "i liked it when he was more stationary" once or twice in the last few months, this 13-14 months old stage has got to be my all time favorite life stage so far!

doing 'wheelies' at 14 months!

i've just recently realized that i havent whipped out the stroller in so so so long because the ERGO keeps Max CONTAINED. To illustrate, if i didn't have the ERGO, Max would be whining like crazy wanting to be picked up then put down then picked up (again and again), darting out into the streets or through a sea of big people, refusing to hold my hand as we walk, falling down stairs, climbing anything and everything. oh you know, normal stuff for his age that would triple the time allotted for our errands and basically make my heart jump because i'm scared for his life and safety!

Ever since i've been back to work, i've seen some big changes in the father son bonding that im most definitely happy about with a little hint of jealousy (hey im no longer in denial that 'dada' was his first word and even when he sees husband from afar he goes 'dada' and runs to him! aww). aside from the fact that i speak to him in a total different language, i think Max knows that with mama __x__ happens, and with daddy __x__ happens instead. with some expected good days and bad days, Max has definitely adapted (and so have we) to our new schedules. Gene and I have our own little routines, give shift reports to one another, and most importantly are now working better together (and less fighting) when it comes to the child rearing. Phew, our marriage survived! 

what boy doesn't love trains?

Sleep in the house is still an issue, but when will it ever not be right? i think once one becomes a parent, they'll always be wondering if their child is ok whether they still live with them or not...and this equates to sleep quality nowhere near pre-baby days! When i'm off, I co-sleep with Max after his first night wake, and Gene does the same when im on my work set. This is really working out well as instead of waking up at 530am/6am and starting days off early, Max is waking up at 700-730am, it totally makes a huge difference in his mood when he not only gets a good nights sleep but sees us beside him when his eyes first open. We do let him CIO after the bed time routine just so he knows how to put himself to sleep sans pacifier, in his crib, and alone in his room- im waiting for the day when all of these dots are connected for 10+ hours of uninterrupted sleep nights! Bedtime continues to be at 8pm, and get this...we dropped a nap, and now only have 1 nap a day! Usually a 1.5-2 hour nap, but this is definitely a significant change in the routine as we have always known.

Though i still breastfeed twice a day (first wakeup feed, before bed feed), i only do this when i'm off. During my day shift, i dont attempt to dream feed or even wake Max up early to nurse. I just let him sleep and Gene says he has adapted. When i come home from a day shift, I continue to give Max his bedtime feed which has significantly changed from 6min (in January), to a whopping 20-30 minute nursing session per demand! During my night shift, I no longer feed him before going to work because he refuses (too full from dinner) and there have been night shift transition days when i dont even feed him for 24 hours, and again, Gene says he's adapted. I have noticed though that his morning feeds are quite short, more like a snack in terms of time length...i think a weaning process for me and him has started. I am ok with this rate, but not this rate!

Im really happy with what's been going on lately in terms of our work-life schedules and balance. I'm trying to not get TOO comfortable though as i think Max's senses it and thus decides to change things up again...it'll always be something!

A Breastfeeding Scare

This little kid gave me a bit of a scare recently- he refused the breast! 

just before i leave for a nightshift, i used to be able to nurse Max and keep him topped up just before bed. Even though it usually is no problem even 30 mins after dinner, a few nights ago he was adamant that he didnt want the boob. despite a mild concern for leaking and feeling uncomfortable while at work, i let it go as it would only be 16 or so hours until i can routinely feed him next when i come home in the morning. By the time next day, my nipples were tingling and my breasts were fuller. Unfortunately/fortunately Max and husband were already into the first nap so I couldnt feed- but since it was my day off, i thought i could just offer Max a feed when he woke up. but NOPE, he kept refusing all freaking day! this guy hasnt refused to nurse since he was around 5 months or so, and he never really had a reason to refuse this time as i chose particular times of day when he would be pre-meal. Man alive, i tell you i was starting to panic! has he rejected me/the breast cold turkey? no No NO!

the WHO recommends babies to be breastfed for at least 24 months, great! But setting that aside, i really really love nursing and i want to wait until he self weans. 2 years old? 3 years old? 4 years old? until i get pregnant again and my milk supply changes? Right now, i am n-o-t ready to wean to less than 2 feeds a day or stop all together. i love our special time alone together in the early morning (though i do wish it was a later wake up time) and providing some nourishment and thirst quencher after a good nights sleep. And, i love our time alone in the dark just before bed knowing that he'll have a full belly for a good nights sleep. i love everything i've learned about the benefits of breastfeeding and i want my baby to continue to receive all the goods. i dont care to get my breasts back, i dont care to be 'free,' i want to breastfeed and it is truly an honor to do this for him. however, i was feeling rejected and dejected that this little man was refusing me! nevermind me needing to wean him off the breast, the guy has to wean me from having him on the breast!  i am so attached to him. (i can just see myself as being a helicopter parent or one of those parents who are so nervous at the thought of letting their kids spread their wings)

my last attempt for the day was his bed time routine. if he refused me then i was ready to curl up in my room and cry from 1) engorgement and 2) my new sense of loss. 

But he breastfed. thank God. 

i was physically, emotionally, and mentally relieved that he fed and he continued to feed at the same times during the rest of my days off. my conclusion was that this kid, like me, loves routine and schedules and all those nursing offers were out of the routine and he was thrown off by it. is SO me, he is truly a fruit of my loins. 

tugging at my pant leg. He wants mamma! 

for entertainment purposes

First Work Week DONE!

When I saw Max yesterday morning

i didnt sleep after my last night shift, so this was exactly how i felt all day

we survived my first work set! i have to admit that my new job as a palliative care nurse is pretty awesome, especially as i didn't/dont come home fried and thus have plenty of room for Max and his extra need for hugs and cuddles after not seeing me for the entire day and then some.

husband did well and now admits that raising a child is quote/unquote "hard work." he's also stated that he's "exhausted" at the end of the day and looks forward to his "days off."  Furthermore, he wants me to empathize with the fact that that he hasnt been sleeping well as he's anxious about Max waking up in the middle of the night- i take it that my husband has now developed mommy ears. lol i cant help but laugh, welcome to my world buddy at least you get "days off" when I'm off from work! because ive been doing all the night parenting and am the primary care giver for Max since he was born, my only response (besides cussing in my head) was this

DAY SHIFT:  I get up at 530am to get my stuff and myself together before Max wakes. Luckily Max has been waking up at 6am without me having to wake him (I say Luckily very lightly as i'd really love to sleep in until 8am one day), so at this this time Max and I get to spend a little time together breastfeeding and cuddling before I head off at 620am. I say bye to Max and tell him im going to work, but i don't want him watch me exit the door as I think he'll freak. On my first day shift, I gave kisses and my goodbyes, handed him off to Gene, bolted out, and the follow up report was that he cried for "a solid 60 minutes." The next day it was 30 minutes...progress!

During the day, Max and husband play and go to the local Strong Start. As for the 2 daily naps, Gene says they sleep together on the twin bed in the baby room. Gene lies down after seeing cues, Max plays beside him and slowly lies down and inches his way beside him when tired like a little bear cub.and they nap together for 45-2hours. how cute is that?! i have my own style, daddy has his own style- whatever works right? After my shift, i literally bolt from work and head home- best case scenario is home by 805pm. I call when im on the bus so Gene can start giving Max a bath (and not do so prematurely), and when i hear him take him out and go into his room, i sneak in to have a quick shower, and rush to Max's room to breastfeed and put him to bed. 

NIGHT SHIFT: so far, i get about 1.5 hours of sleep before my first night shift. i should be awake by 4 to help prep for dinner as Gene and Max could still be napping. Dinner, cuddles, and breastfeed at 6pm before I leave for work around 620pm.  To prevent a crying session so late at night (which could affect night sleep), Gene takes Max on a little toy car ride down the hall after i say my goodbyes...by the time they get home, i'm gone. So far, no major issues with Max going to bed. 

The next day as i'm about to arrive home (approx 8am), I call Gene that im 2 minutes away and he takes Max to the room so he doesnt see me and start crying. I whip in and out of the shower, breastfeed Max and have my cuddle time, and Gene again takes Max on a short toy car ride so I can sneak in the room, disappear, and sleep. By the time this is all done, it's time for Max's first nap and once I wake up sometime after lunch to take over. 

So far everything is working well as we adjust to our new work-life balance! 12+ months of exclusive breastfeeding - SUCCESS!

Breastfeeding, Weaning, Back to Work: The Plan Revised

well paid stay at home mom is my dream job

OMG it's January 2013 and i'm really trying to look at the situation of going back to work 'glass half full.' But really who am i kidding? i not only have to work, but i have to miss out on the life of my growing baby boy, as well as reliving this feeling of sadness, longing, and dread every week once my days off are over. Womp womp...(i wonder if i'll feel different after going back to work, say in a month? everyone says the break is something to look forward to!)

True to my astrological sign, im a big over thinker and consequently a big worrier. This breastfeeding + working mom who doesnt want to pump at work issue continues to plague me. Ive come to the conclusion that it's because I am not ready to give up breastfeeding. So there i have it, a 2013 project of finding a way to 

• breastfeed
• maintain my supply
• promote adequate rest for Max (im sure there will be some CIO in this process as no one likes change! especially a baby!)
• meet his needs for nutrition
• keep mom and baby are happy and healthy
• understand that babies find a way to adapt

my first plan. Now revised.

When Max was 10.5 months old, i started him on goats milk through his straw cup(s). That lasted less than a week as he basically told me he hated it through his body language and actions when the straw came close to his mouth (ie. literally slapped the cup off my hands). I tasted the goat's milk myself and initially it tasted ok, i didn't smell anything funky like how other's described, but i was really repulsed by the after taste that lasted 1/2 a day in my mouth despite multiple teeth brushings. I honestly can't describe the after taste in any other words but 'goaty,' so im sorry Max for putting you through that!

When Max turned 11 months, I introduced him to whole milk, an ounce or less at a time. He accepted it at first but now at 11.5 months, he isnt exactly in love with the stuff (he's in love with water and breastmilk). My mom freaked a bit when i told her about the milk. Translated in english, she said that i need to 'mix the milk with water at first so as to not shock his stomach.' ok, i didn't really understand what she meant by the 'shock' business but because i was introducing this dairy product a bit early, i didn't see anything wrong with listening to her advice. Just now at 11.5 months, ive bee giving full whole milk without the added H2O at different times of day.

As of December 31st, i decided to drop his mid afternoon feed cold turkey prior to his nap and replace it with milk.  Our schedule was

• decrease stimulation in the afternoon --> come to me when ready for nap --> breastfeed and be drowsy from the experience --> out like a light, but not falling asleep at the breast

When i asked the advice of other mom's, i got the notion that when they 'dropped a feed and replaced it with whole milk' it was as easy as that. But for Max, this of course did not happen. Max hasnt used the bottle since he was a newborn, and although he was all accepting the first day

• decrease stimulation --> come to me when ready for a nap --> bottle fed cows milk, drowsy --> out like a light without bottle in mouth

Our current routine lately is this

• meal with milk (could be breakfast and lunch with same milk in the cup as he doesnt drink but takes sips) --> decrease stimulation --> on/off coming to me ready for a nap for 15-45 minutes, sometimes with a lot of whining, but definitely a lot of refusing of milk from bottle, sippy cup, and straw cup just before sleeping time to woo him to sleep

Am i doing something wrong here? my goal is to cut off the association of fluids ---> sleep. by the way he acts, i get the impression that he doesn't really NEED that afternoon feed and that he's whining because he's just not ready to go to sleep and I'm lulling him to where he doesnt want to go. So, he does sleep i just need to watch for cues and not rely on the good ol' faster-route-boob to get him there. At some part of the day, he gets an entire 1-2oz of whole milk, but the rest of the days fluids are water. For a non-breastfeeding baby, according to the 'Toddler's First Steps' book by HealthCanada, 500cc of whole milk is an expectation, but im sure that this isn't the case for a part time breastfeeding baby.

Finally, my goal is to continue to breastfeed twice a day. DEFINTELY when i'm on my days off - wakeup and bedtime. But when i'm working

• day shift --> dream feed before going to work, which may result in him waking up early (too bad for husband)
• day shift --> dream feed after getting home and showering, hopefully he goes back to sleep right away
• night shift --> feed before going to work, he must eat dinner first before this happens (which means everyone eats dinner earlier)
• night shift --> feed once i get home after shower, and if he wakes up before i come home, then ill offer the breast regardless
• husband will be offering a cup of whole milk before bed (at dinner, post dinner, bed time) and at wakeup time
• i will pump if there's a missed feed, i dont care if im pumping for 10 minutes, i just want something to stimulate the brain that breastmilk is still needed
• starting January 7th, husband is to practice this once-twice a week. Put Max to bed with no breastfeed and me nowhere in sight (this is the key to husband's success)
• goal is to breastfeed until Max tell's me he is done

if anyone has feedback, please let me know!

My Love is 11 months old!

What's my 11 month old up to these days?

• curious about a lot of things, lots of hand gestures and sometimes pointing towards an object and says "ayyyyy" or "ohhhhh"
• loves the toilet paper roll
• he really enjoys going on his belly and looking for stuff under big furniture (ie. the couch) so i just drop stuff under there and he gets them ...and then he drops it again to see where it goes, watches it come back, and then retrieves it again 
• he's finally noticing (not just looking) things above him and things that surround him like photos, decals, lights
• he's got mild patches of eczema throughout (thanks Winter!), he's been getting daily applications of Aquaphor and so far under control
• footless sleepers! size 12-18months for tops and 6-12 months for bottoms, size 3 Pampers cruisers
• he can turn his walker on his own and even do a full 360
• sleeping from 8pm and waking up sometime between 6-745am (towards the latter part of his 10th month he's been sleeping 8pm-730am with no feeds or wakeups overnight)
• 2 naps a day, first nap 2-2.5hours after waking up and he can go about 4 hours awake until the next nap. Average length 1.25hours
• still naps in my arms, i LOVE our special time together, so though not the best thing for someone who has to go back to work, im not in a panic to change this yet
• he used to enjoy me throwing (in the lightest sense of the word) him up in the air and catching him, now he gets frightened

                        

 

• 3 breastfeeds a day, 3 solids a day and sometimes he gets a snack (i think his favorite food are bananas, he can eat the whole thing in one sitting just cut in half)
• he's a good eater but needs to be on my lap and me pretending to eat it if it's a new food item
• he does not like goats milk ...tried it just after 10.5months and he's not into it at all
• loves watching birds fly
• cries when men he doesnt know interact with him, but not so with women 9/10 times
• developed a separation anxiety with husband, but only when we're grocery shopping and he's on the cart. even if im in front of him, he's still wants Gene
• can crawl while holding onto something or pushing his cars
• sometimes walking or cruising with one hand! a few times ive caught him standing on his own without support and then he drops to the ground
• super clingy with me just after waking up, he needs to be carried/held for quite a bit
• if im not making eye contact with him, he pulls on my pant leg and holds on to my leg jumping and escalating until he's picked up
• lots of high pitched squeals and shrieks when happy, excited, and having fun
• shares everything but doesnt always let go of it (he'll offer someone his food, but just let their mouths touch it and then he eats it) 
• shy around new situations and doesnt really interact with other babies in groups. sometimes he's even scared of other babies and will cry
• able to do partial waves but not always on queue (think open your hand and drop finger each down to make a loose fist
• you know that pampers commercial where the baby is moving chairs and other furniture around? yep that's what Max is doing
• about 21.5lbs, 2 upper 2 lower teeth (i can see two more coming in the upper part, but they haven't cut through the gums yet)
• arms up when wants to be picked up or just held 
• i just need to lean in and i get kisses kisses kisses! (ok open mouthed wet kisses)

• he took his first steps on December 17th at approx 6pm! Since then, he's been able to walk 3-4 steps and stand up on his own for like 10 seconds or so. he wont do it on command (naturally) but instead suprises us by either ditching the walker and just going to walk or ditching a toy and coming to us a few steps away!

crappy quality video with even worse lighting!

Current schedule +/- 30 minutes

745am wakeup and feed

10 am nap

1115 am wakeup and breakfast

2pm lunch

245pm breastfeed and 2nd nap

430pm wakeup

530pm dinner

630pm snack

730pm bedtime routine and breastfeed

8pm in bed, lights out, hopefully asleep

Breastfeeding, Weaning, Back to Work: the Plan

photo credit

My back to work date is quickly looming, approximately February 1st, 2013! I have a few things im stressing over right now, but this post is particularly about breastfeeding.

• i want to breastfeed for as long as possible
• i want to maintain my supply
• i dont want to be uncomfortable at work
• i dont want to pump at work, if possible, as i dont want to contaminate the system due to the nature of my work
• Max is exclusively breastfed
• Max also uses a straw cup for water during meals/snacks
• my schedule is 2 days 0730-1930, and 2 nights 1930-0730 with 5 days off
• we do not use a bottle, i dont want to start using a bottle
• because im the one who wakes up with Max, breastfeeding is his first meal
• because Max is breastfeeding, i have the last 10 minutes of the night routine solely with him for a final feed
• for day shifts i leave the house at 615am, come home at 815pm, and still have to shower and eat dinner
• for night shifts, i leave at 615pm, and come home and 830 am, and want to SLEEP

so there's my situation. due to the lack of results from Dr. Google, i feel this whole issue is so esoteric (limited to shift working nurses). but of course as with everything else related to parenting, everyone has their own style.  Thank you to all the nurses who shared their experiences!

phase 1:

• Prior to Nov 21st, Max was feeding 4x a day (first wake/12pm/330pm/bedtime) and nearly the same time of day. I dont even know what the cues are for 'on demand nursing' at his age. honestly, he doesnt  give cues, but he accepted the breast whenever it was whipped out if it was at least 3 hours from the time of the last breastfeed
• so on nov 22nd, i just cut off the 12 pm feed, pumped for 2 days at that time instead (continued to breast feed first wake/afternoon/bedtime). Each day i got about 25mls of foremilk looking liquid in total. I gave Max the milk via straw cup, and it didnt even phase him that 25 mls was all he got. So i dropped the feed
• as of nov 24, Max is on 3 breastfeeds a day (wake/afternoon/bedtime), with solids and snacks in between. no engorgement from the breasts!

phase 2:

• sometime in december, maybe even dec 19th (at 11 months) im going to start Max on goat's milk (this came highly recommended as a transition liquid before whole milk)
• im going to introduce this as the lunch time beverage instead of water
• then a week or so later, im going to offer this milk before the afternoon nap. then, ill offer the breast and see if i can slowly wean from breastfeeding 3x a day to 2x a day (first wake and bedtime)
• sometime in early January, im going to start doing the same thing for first wake feed
• on or around his birthday, introduce to whole cow's milk and get Gene to do the last night time minutes
• before Feb 1st, im hoping he's on whole milk, 4x a day minimum, with no breastfeeding

im not really sure what im going to do to maintain supply during that whole milk phase.

i want to breastfeed him when i'm off, but im not sure if that will make me physically uncomfortable at work when i dont want to pump at work (see above reason why). 

im not too sure about dream feeding as if i woke up this sleeping beast in the morning, it means WAKE UP time as he'll probably have a poop minutes later, and i dont think husband will be too happy with me waking up the baby at 530 in the morning. At night, it's a little easier, i can dream feed when i get home...but again, i still have those two nights when i can't.

am i over thinking all of this?
i can't help but feel a sense of loss at this process

if anyone has feedback, please comment and let me know!

Addendum dec 1st:  supplementation according to KELLYMOM

Max Has Hit Double Digits! 10 Months Old!

little Max is now 10 months old. I say this every month- where the heck did the time go?

What's a 10 month old Max like these days?

• he says 'mama mama' all the time in long run on sentences, sometimes we get a 'dada dada'
• he's playing with various volumes of his voice
• he's loves sharing/offering his nutrios and pacifier
• sleeping straight from 8pm-7am with only rare wakeups (no night feeds!), ravenous in the morning as expected!
• naps 2 times a day (sometimes 3), in my arms, for about 1.5hrs each time - this is prime time to get up to date with everything happening in the social network
• a really sweaty sleeper when sleeping in my arms, his hair is soaked when he wakes up
• learning to point at things he wants or at people he wants attention from
• offering hand still, but not as often (same gesture)
• can walk by himself using the walker! (watch the video)

• really good appetite, with breakfast being the best. still feeding on lumpy/pureed but good at feeding self whole apples, cheese, nutrios, peas, and carrots
• loves nutrios, rice rusks, cottage cheese, and all apples (i think he would eat these for breakfast lunch and dinner if he had a choice)
• puts arms up when he wants to be picked up. if already up in someones arms, he stretches arms out towards another person he wants to be carried by
• he can crawl while holding onto something with one of his hands
• wants to climb over everything to get through (instead of crawling around the object like, ie. ME!)
• loves giving open mouth wet kisses. i just need to lean forward close to him and his mouth is open to give a wet kiss
• breastfeeding 4x a day

• 4 teeth (2 up, 2 bottom)
• 3-4 poops a day
• still loves and whines for his pacifier
• he really likes watching mike the knight - i think it has something to do with how big the characters are on tv
• he loves the IOGO yogourt commercials! we were playing in the kitchen, he hears the first 4 notes of the commercial, he pauses and then bolts out of the kitchen to watch the commercial. one of those wave-your-hand-in-front-of-their-face-and-no-blinking moments. again, probably has to do with how simple and big the images are
• attaached to me big time (aka major separation anxiety). i cant leave room without him crying, or him looking/finding me. i cant be in the kitchen without him wanting to be carried by me and will escalate to crying if i dont pay attention to him or move around too much

everything goes in his mouth

Max's 10 month old 'schedule,' (times are approximate +/- 30 minutes)

7am: awake, breastfeed

9-1020: nap

1030: breakfast

12pm: breastfeed

130: lunch

230-4pm: nap

4pm: breastfeed

6pm: dinner

730: bath, bed time routine, breastfeed

8pm: asleep

10pm: my bedtime!

WOW 

Baby Eating at 7.5months!

Well it has been just over 1.5months since Max and I started our baby feeding journey. It definitely has its ups and downs (in appetite) but the trend in intake is steadily on the rise. Yay!

I've been doing a middle ground approach to food. little bit of strained, little bit of lumpy, little bit of minced. For the strained variety, ive bought 3 jarred foods: PC Organics from Superstore in prunes, butternut squash, and peas. He LOVES all three. For the thicker, often lumpier variety, i've been making my own food with the processor and ice cube trays. He's loving fruits more than veggies right now, so i'm just mixing in one of each per meal so he gets a broad spectrum of nutrients. Finally, for the minced texture i've given him turkey. He's currently not a fan, his facial expression speaks volumes (somewhere between bitter/sour/WTF?)! But again, I mix it with a food texture he likes. Micro-improvements are better than nothing!

Husband chooses 4 cubes for Max's meals the next day. Our first solids starts around 1030 in the morning just after the first nap. I would say this is the time when he consumes the most food- anywhere from 1.5-2 cubes (i think it's about 2 tbsp per cube).  his solids appetite dwindles for the remaining part of the day, the remaining two cubes will be eaten for lunch and or dinner or not at all.

Sometimes it's a challenge to breastfeed as whenever he eats he just doesn't have the appetite for milk even if it's an hour or so later. I do remember those times when Max would NEVER refuse the breast, but those days are long gone. when he's full, the boy is full and nothing will make him eat (this is actually a positive food relationship)! i'm making it a point to BF first within a 2 hour window before offering solids. i'm also trying to create a non-restrictive schedule for feeding time- he will be offered the breast every 4 hours (more if he wants/needs it) and solids will be offered in between those times which is close to the time when we're are eating anyways.

What we've tried so far:

-apricots (no) - pureed is all that i've tried
-apple sauce (yes) - pureed
-avocado (yes) - chunks
-banana (yes) - chunks only
-barley cereal (yes) - mush
-black plums (yes) - pureed is all that i've tried
-butternut squash (yes) - pureed jarred
-carrots (sometimes) - textured and pureed is hit/miss
-green beans (sometimes) - textured. hard to get it smooth
-mango (yes) - likes little chunks, not pureed. but not buying mangos right now because of recall
-pears (yes) - chunks and pureed
-peaches (sometimes) - textured and smooth are hit/miss
-peas (trying now) -pureed, jarred
-prunes (yes) - pureed, jarred
-rice crackers (yes) - crispy
-sweet potato (sometimes) - textured and pureed is hit/miss (why i dont know, i love sweet potato!)
-teething biscuits (yes)- hard bricks
-turkey (yes)- shredded. hates pureed.

currently:

830am - first BF (breastfeed), then nap
10/1030am- solids
1230/1pm- BF, then nap
maybe he'll eat some solids between the time of waking up and the next nap (span of 3 hours)
4/5pm -BF, then nap
maybe he'll eat some solids between this time of waking up and bedtime
8pm- BF, then bedtime
(once a day he gets approx. 15 mls of water to practice his straw cup skills. He loves sipping from a straw!)

A work in progress. eating is just for fun. Breastmilk is all he needs. yes, i keep telling myself that.

Max with a teething cookie that he really loves but i no longer let him eat:  Healthy Times Teething Biscuits. I love that he enjoys gnawing at this thing but i wouldn't buy it again as once it gets compromised (generally wet from his slobber), it actually breaks off in little chunks and becomes a choking hazard. I want to try him on other textures, particularly HARD ones but im not sure what's out there besides Baby Mum Mum's and Farley's (i think it's called). If anyone has any recommendations, let me know!

These next few months i'm contemplating of steaming a bunch of foods into little pieces and then freezing. Going for the Baby Led Feeding route. When needed, i will defrost or microwave. Is this food heating technique safe? It just seems time consuming to steam food all the time when i can heat it up. Someone let me know please!

The journey continues!

breastfeeding truth

Is this not true or what?!

Oops

I woke up the other day looking at Max who was napping beside me ever so peacefully! The first thing that popped in my head was seriously, "sorry baby." and by that, i meant the old cliche 'hindsight is 20/20'- if i knew what i know now, Max's last few months wouldn't have been so stressful! this is what my dad always says, "charge it to experience." It's so true that you make the most mistakes with your first born, and after that, the next few kids you at least have some idea of what to do and try not to make the same mistakes twice.

Some things i WISH i paid attention to when I was told, or wish I knew, and would tell myself if I went back in time:

1) baby needs to eat A LOT (or put baby to breast)

There were so many crying moments in the first few months (for baby and some for me). I remember saying multiple times to everyone, "i just fed him!" whether it'd be in frustration as a response to his cries, when someone would take him so i can get a break...then immediately give back to me when he became fussy, or just in the middle of the night and i'm saying WTF out loud (no, not at the baby). If i were to go back in time, I'd seriously say to myself, "hey stupid (in a nice tone), he needs to eat" or "he needs the boob" as babies want to be at the breast not only because of hunger, but perhaps just for comfort, warmth, and security. ALWAYS try the boob! Whether it'd be 30 minutes from when he last unlatched, or 1 hour, always go to the boob! Right now, whenever Max gets fussy, i just put him to the breast. he might snack, he might eat, he might just want to be there...but it always comforts him. i feel guilty for all those times i let him cry and me feel frustrated at his cries, he was hungry! he's growing! There was this one incident that he cried for 3 hours essentially straight. and then he stopped. why? because i cluster fed him in the latter part of those 3 hours, and he slept. why i didnt clue in, i dont know.

2) baby needs to sleep

deja vu moment...there were so many crying moments in the first few months (for baby and some for me). I thought he was in a PURPLE stage at some point in his early months, but looking back, i think it's because the baby frickin needed sleep! I honestly can't recall some sort of nap-plan i had for Max. What's even more stupid is that i
constantly read about sleeps and naps for babies, but it just never clued in. or i was frustrated at how it wasn't coming naturally for my baby. I kind of just let the wind lead us into a sleep state. um NO! If i were to go back in time, i would tell myself to watch for the sleep cues, watch how long until he became fussy again, watch how long he slept for etc etc. I remember trying to keep him up as late as possible (around 11pm) so that he would wake up later in the morning. I would even wake him up early from naps (like a 9pm nap) so he doesn't get too well rested so that it didn't ruin his night sleep as i was expecting him to sleep through the night. When in reality, he needs to eat and sleep, he was too young to STTN. He needed a routine that would signal his body that it's almost bedtime. He needed an earlier bedtime. The boy needed SLEEP to grow. I bet he was crying from being over tired or overstimulated, and i was denying him rest. UGH! how frustrating i must've been to him. Right now, i watch for Max's cues, i know how long he can stand being awake for, i know when he needs sleep and how to get him in that
state. he is a much more well rested and happier baby.

3) Max needs to be swaddled

I can't believe i went 6 weeks of sleepless nights without swaddling Max! Ive posted about this before, but i was
given a halo sleep swaddler handme down and i used it once and gave up because he cried the second night i used it. i dont know why i didn't clue in to the concept of a swaddle and why babies have been swaddled for centuries. actually maybe i do, someone told me prior to max being born that they didn't believe in swaddling...so since that concept was totally new to me, i was feeling all high at the idea that maybe MY baby didn't need to be swaddled either...WRONG. i was so frustrated when i would just get max down in his bassinet and then he would thrash, or rather, his arms would thrash and startle him awake. Moro-reflex! i was reading some posts in a january mommy group about swaddling and recommendations to do so to help with sleep, so i retried it and BAM, sleep. the little man needed to be swaddled up until a week ago so he could go to sleep soundly. and i only stopped because this time around, fighting to get out of the swaddle was what would wake him up!

4) use Lanolin on those nipps
i remember a time early in my breastfeedig days when i kept looking at my right nipple and seeing a thin scab line. every time max latched on, i would feel this pinch of pain...then count down from 10 until it went away. i was even thinking that i had to tell myself that i should just bare the pain as maxiboy needed the breastmilk and we needed to breastfeed and bond. it Hurt like a s.o.b.! i also remember posting about this on twitter and i was told countless of times to use lanolin but again, i felt all high and thought i didn't need it because my nips should
heal themselves in time or form a callus of some sort in time so i no longer would feel this pain. i know, crazy woman! once i used lanolin, it just provided that extra moisture my nipps needed. i dont even remember when the pain went away, but it was within a few feeds and my breastfeeding experience has been positive since then. what was i thinking?! i wonder what my poor nipps would be like today if i hadnt used the lanolin...the way that boy eats...OW!

5) Cradle position isn't the only BF position

the cradle position came in nice, easy, and naturally for my right breast. it was my go-to in time of urgency, and if it was going to pump out a breast for the rare bottle, it would be my right as i know that that side would engorge fast, but also the easiest to put back into equilibrium through feeds. my left breast was another issue. don't know why, but it's so awkward to use a cradle position on that side. im left handed, i carry max on that side the easiest, but with positioning, it was just crappy. alternating breasts for feeds, my left side was always leaking, often more engorged than the other, and to say it lightly just generally a PITA (pain in the ass) to deal with. even though i took a breast feeding class and learned about multiple positions, for some reason i only used the traditional cradle style and thought it was the only one for me (probably the path of least resistance really). I called the newborn hotline one day because i was worried about Max choking all the time. i was told about my fast let down etc etc, and she suggested that i use the football style cradle hold to BF so he's actually drinking sitting up like normal people. so i tried it, and lo and behold, his choking was not cured instantly, but there was a 180degree difference in not only comfort, but functionality while BF'ing on my left side! ding ding ding! to quote Oprah, it was an "ah hah" moment. to this day, im only using the football hold for my left breast and cradle position for my right. my breasts are feeling normal but full of milk. baby is satiated. life is good.

my baby is 2 months old! omg!

Wow time is flying! Max is yet another month older...whaaaaatttt?!?!

What's Max like now?

• Max's new sleep schedule is from 11pm to about 7:30am (uninterrupted with feeds) with plenty of day and evening naps!
• in the last 2 days he's had a period of PURPLE crying from about 7pm-10pm (horrible time)
• he definitely recognizes my voice and smiles! im not sure though if he can really focus on me yet as i was beside him talking and he was doing his giggling, but looking up instead of looking at me. he at least has a sense of direction
• ive been picking at the cradle cap on his head...really hard not to pick at the yellow crustiness. he's got a really dry scalp and some parts of his face. the air must be dry in the room as the rest of his body is ok- but also the parts that are covered up at night with clothing
• eyes are still grey-blue
• lots and lots of toothless smiles
• he tries to talk (and makes sounds like talking) whenever he's interacting with certain people! sometimes i think he says "hi" and "hello" or at least sounds like it
• he STILL freaks out whenever Gene is holding him (like the cry is so shrill and distressing)- i hope he grows out of this as i feel sorry for Gene whenever he's "rejected" by Max. im pumping a bottle every now and then so Max can connect him with milk rewards too
• he must sleep swaddled or his arms still flail around waking him up
• feeding q2-7 hours
• neck strength is getting stronger! he can hold himself up longer but his tolerance for tummy time is only for a few minutes
• not as many hiccups, but still spitting up
• remains to be an aggressive latcher
• love his double chin and thigh creases...soooo chubby!
• love his hands when they're open
• navel still has a hernia that sticks out whenever he's crying
• legs are still in the frog position but slowly straightening out
• his finger nails are like talons and he still scratches himself- anyone have tricks on how to cut baby's fingernails?
• he knows how to pout and pouts every now and then ...awwwwww

as for me...

• i got my PERIOD a few days ago (when i was about 7 weeks)...seriously, how unfair is that!? according to everything i've read if one is exclusively breastfeeding, periods aren't supposed to come until at least 6 months...oh well, we're all different. 5 day period, got it over with i guess. no cramps, nothing...just regular bleeding
• im still SO HUNGRY. like seriously, i can't get below this baseline weight of mine. i want sweets more than salty now...especially those giant chocolate muffins at superstore!
• whenever i feed, the other boob is leaking
• i hate these stretch marks on my belly!
• my linea nigra is still there
• i wake up with a wet tshirt from my engorged boobs leaking from overfill
• ive started to pump every now and then to build up frozen supply so i can have more breaks in the future (as in, parents babysitting hehe)
• Max has been feeding sitting up every now and then, definitely less choking episodes